About

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Ideals

Disclosure: This post is a lot more centered on myself compared to usual. Hence, if you don't really know who I am, you might not really care.

I can't say that I'm a hopeless romantic. I don't always relate life with love, because I've always seen life as something that's much broader. Being someone who thinks about everything more than an average person does, though, I have my fair share of ideas about it. I've always been able to talk about it, to write about it even without the solid experience of it, but never much tell people how I'm doing in that particular area. I'm not really sure how to progress from this to what I really wanna say right now, so I apologize if I can't make the right connection. I haven't written much in a while, so I'll just go for it.

What are your turn-ons?
What are your turn-offs?
These two questions are not very rarely asked. I've always been the type of person who can't come up with concrete answers to questions like this. I never had a type when it comes to people I (could) like. I always gave answers that were a little vague, or if not that, then close to unreal. I can never be too specific because I only know what would be nice to see there, but not exactly what has to be there. Everything seems to be on a case-to-case basis. I've always felt like the people around me create their own standards when it comes to what kind of person they wanna see me with (which can be a bad thing), but I never really succumbed to other people's opinions when it comes to things like this. For the longest time, I never had solid answers to these two questions, but lately I've gained more ideas. 
I figured that the best way to work my way towards some answers is to analyze myself.

1. I'm not impossible, but I sure as heck am not easy. I give chances to those whom I know have a good nature, but I like to take my time before coming up with a decision. It's not that I think so highly of myself that I feel the need to put everyone to a test (I really don't), and it's not that I'm selfish that I take everyone's time for my own benefit, it's just that I don't wanna get into a relationship that I know wouldn't last. I take everyone's feelings into consideration so I'm not the type of person to let someone down so easily. If you're the one, you might have to deal with seeing me interact with other guys for a while, but know that this is just me being me and eventually, this would stop. 
I try to keep a healthy relationship with people. I dislike avoiding anyone- especially for petty reasons. So if I end up avoiding you, then that's either you wanted me to or you gave me a reason to. 

However, I actually don't find it difficult to decipher whether or not certain guys have the potential, so if I don't think they do, they're going to know. If I let it go on for too long, then that's probably because I'm not wasting your time.

2. I am not a very showy person, at least not until we're actually in a relationship. You'd have glimpses of it if you're doing it right, but you can't fully have it until we're in it. As difficult as it is to imagine, I know for a fact that I do have the tendency to be very affectionate. Behind the intimidating exterior is a pretty silly interior, but it takes something to get through what's on the outside. I aspire to find someone who can break through that because unless you're this person, then I can't really say I'm 100% comfortable with you. Just like any other, I wanna live in comfort (lol). And of course, don't expect me to reveal this side if I don't feel like you're showing me yours. I don't wanna be in a relationship where both of us would somewhat feel caged.

3. I'm not an open book. So unless you're really active about hearing me out, then you won't hear much. If I've established in myself that I trust you, then I will tell you things I don't usually tell people. But you can't always just wait for me to open up because I'm very much used to keeping quiet. I'm not an attention-seeking puppy either, you don't have to check up on me every hour, but take your time in knowing how I work. If you let me get used to just talking about things when we find a long time to talk about them, then I'd probably forget to tell you what you wanna know or it might already be bottled up in a corner. I have a lot to say, I just don't say them automatically. Be the person who can get them out of me. It's easier than you think it is; communication is key.

4. I may have a really strong personality, and I find that a lot of people get fazed by it. It's 2017 and I know that gender inequality is a pressing issue, so not to have double standards but if you're a guy, then I sure hope you know that you are. Because no matter how intimidating I seem to be, trust me, I'm still a girl. I know that girls with a strong personality seem to want to have things under their control. Some of us want to take the lead when it comes to relationships, but I don't. I know how independent I can come off as. I know that other people are aware of this too. I can handle a lot of things alone, but the point of being in a relationship is having someone to handle things with me when I can no longer handle things on my own. More importantly, having someone who can handle me. I don't weigh much physically but I can be quite a handful. 

I'm not looking for a perfect guy but lately I'm starting to feel like it's easier to find that instead of someone who'd set aside their way of thinking that I'm on a higher level that's hard to reach. I don't wanna feed anyone's insecurity. I'll help you get better at things you wanna get better in. I'd help you change what you wanna change. But I'd feel absolutely terrible if despite being with me, you feel like you're a level lower than I am. 
Kick the 'levels' way of thinking out and make me feel like you can take over.

5. I'm existential. I've always known that I am. If you're going to be with me, then expect a separate world wherein only the two of us exist. I can guarantee you that there's a lot you'd learn from me, and I'm excited to learn from you. We'd be separate universes joined together; you'll explore me and I'll explore you. If you're on this level, then do know that I deeply trust you. I trust you more than you trust yourself, and I'd have confidence in you despite your flaws, and I'd hope you'd be the same with me.

 I'm not a simple person. Or rather, I don't have a simple mind. If I feel like you understand this simple fact about me, then I'd wish you'd trust the way you know me. That you're aware that I don't do things ordinarily, that my intentions have no hint of malice, that the last thing I wanna do is hurt anyone in anyway, but I'm only human and not an exception to doing things humans do. Sometimes we do things we don't intend to do. We affect other people in a way we don't want to. If you're the one, you'd value this trust. You'd trust the way you know me. And you'd have to put this above what anyone else would say, because anyone else is not us. 

If you're going to let anyone else inject something negative into what we have without even bringing it up with me, or if you're gonna change the way you think of what we have because you've received a kind of treatment that you like better, then please turn around and walk away. You're more than free to go.

*Edited end*