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Friday, July 18, 2014

Nothing

If I ever expected my college life to be like something, it wasn't this. 
Life right now? So bland. Not even plain. A level lower than that. 
A lot of things are happening, yet there's not really a thing. 
Nothing to look forward to. No one to look forward to seeing. No one to constantly talk to.
There's nothing exciting although everything's new.

I can't absorb anything. There's nothing to absorb. 
There's progress within the day, but it doesn't lead onto the next day. 
What happens today stays on this day, yet the same things will happen tomorrow. 
But as tomorrow arrives, I can't recognize what has already happened.
No sense of familiarity. 
I've gotten used to not getting used to anything.
Every morning is a clean slate. It starts. It ends. It does not develop.

I have no distractions, yet distractions are all I have. 
I have nothing to distract me from all these distractions. 
Too many side dishes, no main course. 
A story that started and ended with no climax.
Every day is so darn ordinary. Today included. 
I can remember, but nothing's memorable. 
It's as if this phase is a bonus round I don't have to pay attention to.

I talk, I laugh. A lot. Everyday. Most days are okay. Good, even.
But I've stopped appreciating this kind of  day.

I often hear the words "No f*cks given" 
But this is the only time I can actually say them everyday and mean them.

I don't even feel alone. I feel like nothing, and I don't mean that in a dramatic way. I really do feel like nothing. I feel nothing. Everything is nothing. Like I'm this leaf that fell from a tree, blown by the wind into the flowing water. That's how my days are like. I move without trying to move. I move with no purpose.

There isn't anything which means something. 
And having a life with no meaning does not feel like living. 


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